how many times will i say "i'm back", I wonder?
lately i've been struggling so much with the way i see myself. as a burden, as a letdown, as a failure in most senses of the word. but i continue to push to enjoy my life, to see the grace in random seconds of it.
last night i discussed with a friend the meaning of reflection, and the ways in which we look back on memories, and how difficult it can be to see the moment so fleeting as it passes before you, or through you, and yet when i look back on times where my heart felt so wrenched i only remember the happiness, the joy, the surreality of it all. at what point did i lose touch with that moment? in my pursuit of contentment, have i lost the phase of euphoria?
i find great joy in my bedroom these days, and my solitude. i finally give myself time to do all the things i want to do, read and hear and play and see all of the things i want to read and hear and play and see. i don't feel rushed all the time anymore, although I do sometimes feel lonely.
i'm willing to believe that i try too hard to sort everything out. maybe i don't need to understand everything i feel, or find logic behind every action, and maybe instead i should just let myself do what feels good, and avoid what feels bad. obviously i have to make money, and i don't want to become a cretin, but i can still feel the strings tied around my aorta and tugging, tightening, tension from different directions, begging me to please, to appease, to be anything and everything for the world around me. maybe only by cutting those strings one by one can i release myself from the torment i've placed myself under. if i learn to decipher the good pulls from bad i can begin, finally, to reenter the stream of Me, and to break the hypnotic strain of the public eye. it's like an addiction, fawning over relationships, worrying about every move, considering each decision a friend makes like a soul-twisting chess match. but i've come to understand the projection inherent to that. only by making my own decisions, without the guiding hand of another, can i understand the independence with which those around me make their decisions; only then can i liberate myself from the fear that if i am not the Vague "Enough", i will cease to matter to the ones i love most.
now, in this phase of my life, i hope to regain the confidence with which i once carried myself, but real enlightenment and self understanding too. because even that version of myself wanted so badly to be loved, and performed so much out of rebellion, and fear, and even desperation. that doesn't mean i was fake, because i never think i was. i do believe i spent a lot of time wondering what was safe to show about myself and what i should hide, never letting myself disappear from social circles, clinging too tightly to people i loved in hopes they would love me back.
musings aside, now for the list of current interests:
1. final fantasy xiv - occupying at least an hour of every day since dani built me my PC, i find myself enjoying finally my first ever MMO, at long last and without regrets. there's still so much i have to learn about it, but it really is so much fun, and in some ways i feel it's reopening doors inside of me
2. berserk - restarted it because i never finished the first go round and now i'm about 2/3 of the way thru. looking forward to finally being able to have a conversation with meaning about this with coin
3. shoegaze
4. reality tv - i had a whole vanderpump rules arc that i believe somehow never made it onto this blog
5. DAW production, specifically Nexus 4 in Ableton
6. persona 5, which i have put too many hours into, and still haven't finished
7. dyeing my hair for the first time ever
8. washing my face / taking better care of my body
9. cooking - winter is such a good time to take initiative to cook more and practice blah blah idk if i will ever be a master chef but i'm happy to be able to prepare myself some good meals
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