meta-blog

❀ i've been thinking a lot about what not means to blog, and in general what it means to share your life on the internet. where is the place for honesty, when does honesty become overexposure, when does overexposure become beneficial, and how many people really care at all???

i remember once having a conversation with a friend about trust. I mentioned that i trust everyone to some degree, because what's the alternative ? living a life full of suspicion? immediately my friend turned to look at me and said "that's not good, you shouldn't trust everyone." i was floored, because i'd always thought of my honesty and open-heartedness as a positive trait. but they were right. there's a fine line between being open-hearted and naive, and i've stumbled across that line more times than i'm able to actually count. what does that mean for me? is the alternative being silent? is it dangerous (in its own way) for me to put myself out here, in this internet space, giving people access to my life? i suppose blogging has always been about full-court exposure, caring only a little about what people think of your choices. that's always been writing in itself, to a degree. but when it comes to the internet, people can carry anything and hold it and use it against you. i really admire people who can be themselves (or so it seems) on the internet without a lot of holds barred.

❀ photo of me in spring of 2017 in seattle wa outside of a venue that i believe is dead ❀

but am i wrong? are those people, too, constructing a facade? a character to be viewed online? by writing this blog, am i myself crafting a facade, even if it is a facade built from honesty? how real is the very concept of being "seen" and "known" by another human being, when the only lens anybody can view anything from is their own? 

i am torn between caring too much about what others think of me and not caring at all. but here's the thing. 

no one fucking cares about you that much. 

and i mean that in the best way possible, everyone has their own life to worry about, their own internal monologues to recite, their own anxieties to battle about being seen/known/liked/hated and at the end of the day, there's only so much space to think about anyone else at all. so why does it matter, why should it matter??

i think sometimes why people don't like blogging / react negatively to honesty is because they're scared. scared of being seen honestly or talked about in a way they can't control. i get that because i'm the same way. but at the end of the day, honesty is the only cure. like time, it cures all ailments. name a problem that started because of honesty? yes, maybe it causes conflicts, but only catalyzing those that would have emerged 10 times stronger later after being left unaddressed. you're free to disagree with me, but i've rarely experienced a moment in which honesty was not a good (if not the best) policy except for maybe little white lies which honestly are hardly even dishonesty because it's kind of what the truth should be ? in a non-harmful way? (actively toeing the line i myself just set lol)

anyways this has been a hard lesson for me to learn but it has genuinely provided me with so much relief when i try to remind myself! think about it, who do u really admire the most as u get older? i'm sure it's different for everyone, but for me, i'm drawn to the people who care the least about what others think of them. and here's the thing -- everyone has their moments where they worry about what others think of them, but only you can choose to let it affect you. coolest people i know acknowledge their haters and end it there. 

besides, you can't have made it until you have some haters. literally a fundamental part of being a Cool Dude TM and being a great artist is having haters! if you're making truly revolutionary/fresh/exciting music it fundamentally MUST get someone's panties in a bunch. i'm working on retraining myself to want people to be annoyed with me/ have problems with me when i post the stuff i really care about, because otherwise i'm just saying something that's already been said before and is far too easy to swallow. 

and you know what else? i'm sure there are a ton of people out there in the world who hate people for not being true to themselves, for saying what's already been said a million times, for being unoriginal. i've seen it with my own eyeballs. so basically what i'm saying is that random people who do not matter (because nothing and no one can matter to you unless you decide it does -- even death, dude, if you decide not to care about death, even the end of the world cannot sway you from your truth) will hate on you no matter what you do, so you might as well do the things that make you feel fulfilled and happy. 

related phrase of the day: "nothing can hurt you if you do not see it as hurtful. nothing can destroy if you do not see it as destructive." - "Little Murders", really good movie that is on Criterion and you should watch it! also i sampled it in this song

completely unrelated phrase of the day: "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" OwO such a good phrase

the one-shot cure-all to breakups (2022 edition)

 okay, so i have some confessions to make (mostly to myself). i've been completely out of my own pocket. ever been in the mindset where you're somehow both aware of the forces affecting you and completely unaware of how they're actually taking their effects? november and december were a mess. m*lly and benders all weekend, shows every night, too many ubers, and poorly advised emotional decisions. SO! here is my TRIED and TRUE methodology and cheat sheet for stumbling your way through your next big breakup! 

shortlists

the rebound stage

inevitable rebound with quirked up white boy with a little bit of swag (ill-fated). this is going to be very fun and then it is going to suck so bad. but look at kim kardashian and pete davidson. it's a law of nature, and the fun part is going to be so much fucking fun until it ends and makes everything ten times worse for five days. the good news? once the rebound ends, you're ready to move on.

no one is immune to the rebound effect. no matter if you were dumped or did the dumping, being in a relationship is growing accustomed to having someone else to hold you. every time you have a thought, an opportunity, an idea or an emotion, whether good or bad, you have someone to turn to with that feeling. so of course the natural response is to turn to someone else, and revel in the new familiar sharing feeling. BUT IT'S A LIE! you have to learn to hold your own feelings again, and even if you know this, you are going to fail. you are going to fall too heavily into something that should have been a hookup. unless you're, like, some kind of master or emotional supersoldier. and even then i don't really buy that. i've done it kind of twice in a row already.

the friendship thing

be friends with your ex~! have fun! go to the bar a week after he leaves you and nitpick the reasons that your relationship failed so spectacularly, get wasted before sunset on shitty beer-shot combos (the kind that come in plastic shot glasses), call your dad sobbing at 7:30pm on the fire escape, and then go sit in a drunken stupor of silence at your friends' house until 5am. call an overpriced uber home and repeat something of this ilk at least two more times. when you can no longer make it through the hang time with ex without crying in front of them, you know it's time for the next step. 

(this is the point where u go no contact, by the way, or minimal at most. he's going to do something so incredibly stupid and you're going to be so glad it's not ur problem -- even if you forget that at first.) which brings us to step 3,

remind yourself it happened

don't get me wrong -- do what u must do, as a rite of passage, destroy some photo of the two of you, or burn an old t-shirt, but this is the later stage. you're going to have moments when you feel hopeless, and when you feel different, and when you feel all of the sparkle has gone out of you or all of the excitement has rushed out of your life. of course it feels that way. there's a reason change is represented in tarot by the figure of death. and big changes really feel different than small ones. the point being, if you're like me and you're the kind of person to beat urself up about random things (and if you're not, u might become one!) that is normal. of course u feel weird. of course u feel anxious. of course u feel empty. but i think that these ideas of feeling "empty", of a post-breakup self, have become so aggrandized that they've lost their nuance. feeling it is a different story. so yes, let yourself experience your feelings, but also remind yourself why you're experiencing them. it's like a bad trip. remind yourself that these changes are not permanent, remember it will end. this is how u start to grow. 

let yourself have fun

but your way. don't force yourself into the light unless you want to . do what you want. stay at home and finally watch that series u wanted to watch but never did. list of shows i've been watching:

1. mad men
2. succession
3. aggretsuko
4. sense8
5. sex and the city
6. downton abbey
7. cowboy bebop
8. spongebob (from beginning 2 end as hillenberg intended)

watch yourself reconnect with urself and the world. it's like watching one of those dollar store sponge capsules that turns into an animal shape after 15 minutes in water. marinate ! lately ive been feeling off at parties, shows, feeling like i don't remember how to act or fit in. so i leave when i start worrying more than i'm enjoying myself. if i get 2 drunk i lay off it for a day or two. it feels boring, i feel boring sometimes and i feel embarrassed that i'm not the last to leave the party, the most wild one there, something i don't even understand my own drive to do other than believing that's what everyone wants from me (more anxiety). but listen to the parts of yourself you trust, and brush off the ones that you don't. allow yourself to make stupid decisions, forgive yourself for making mistakes, and remember that this is a period of growth and true growth often doesn't feel easy. 

a/n: i began writing this in january of 2022, and left it incomplete, as it was still too raw to approach objectively. at this point in time, i feel more confident in the truth of what i'm feeling, and what i've written here. who knows what time will continue to bring