falling away into the digiverse

okay, I'm awake, now what???  

waking up every morning and the sky is all grey (which, by the way, I forgot??? or didn't know,? that it would be like this in the northeast too... or I forgot. it reminds me too much of Seattle's stormy weather...). Grey morning sky does not do well for my brain. I prefer when the sun arcs through the sky and lets me feel the passage of time, greatly prefer it to the limbic stasis incurred by flat, low, grey, wet sky, and all day the same sky. 

anyways, days like this sometimes capture me like a bug in a spider's web. I get all stuck struggling to escape it somehow... thoughts felt wildly through my head. Go to a park! Read a book! Find someone to hang out with! Find a movie to watch! Find a way to MAXIMIZE, at any and all costs! No day, no hour, no moment can be wasted, especially not on a grey and hopeless day like today, in fact, whatever I do, it has to be ten times as big as something for a normal day, 100 times even, and so on...

I have a tendency to get hung up on the possibilities, as well. can't get out of the house if I'm always thinking of all the different things that I could possibly do when I leave the house. 

anyways, I've been thinking about a lot of things. all the time I'm thinking of a lot of things. but one of the many things I've been thinking about is the form I want this blog to take, or rather the many shapeshifting forms I want it to vaguely embody. here is a list of current influences on my mind and life to best explain where I'm thinking about wanting it to go: 

1. The Show About the Show which is a quasi-reality show made by Caveh Zahedi in which each episode is about the episode before. many debates ensue over whether he is a messiah of radical honesty or just a gigantic asshole. but his methodology at least in season one has been a huge influence on my course of thought about life or whatever

okay I realize I do not actually want to explain every single thing I'm thinking about because I'll get too distracted let's just bullet them all then

1. The show about the show
2. mark fisher and "k-punk"
3. CCRU
4. nick land's "meltdown" (less for content than writing style)
5. midwest emo
6. indie underground street fashion or whatever you want to call it. this one father and his daughter I saw on the street who was wearing JNCOs tucked into Telfar Uggs taking an epic photo of his daughter wearing a foam 10 gallon hat.
7. new jersey
8. east coast emo
9. what the dog doin?
10. Tumblr and its ensuing anonymity / carefree nature
11. the dissolution of liminal / creative internet spaces
12. not who I want to be, but what I want to engage with, see, consume, etc
13. portishead
14. how much I do not like instagram as a platform because it does not suit me in almost any way (I need to reevaluate how I use it I've been thinking of archiving everything and wiping it clean for fun)
15. muddy forests. how much I like being barefoot outside (not in nyc sidewalks obviously)
16. the failure of pitchfork
17. my own quality music taste -u-
18. my own psychological limitations
19. self-imposed restriction and subsequent mental liberation
20. this YouTube video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZHrIHqVFzU

okay, I have removed that long list of random influences from my head, and now that you have seen that, let's move to what this blog is going to be. because I'm not a lifestyle person, I've never really been someone who was good at selling my own lifestyle, and I find it kind of intrinsically performative in a way that isn't fun to me? but which is super fun for others it's just not my thing and that's fine anyways

I will be sharing my playlists, contemplations about music, about media, about art, about whatever, really. I'll still be posting pictures of myself and my outfits because I'm really finding pleasure in that lately (dressing myself up). I want to post some movie and book reviews or contemplations or whatever. I want to engage with a lot of thoughts that I have and with thoughts others have and I think this can be a really good place to do that. I will probably start taking pictures of people I see on the street more often if I can. I want to shift my primary method of sharing to the blog, probably. who knows, maybe it will feel comfortably anonymous for long enough, or maybe it will become burdensome in its own way in time, but for now

I view this blog as an escape into a forgotten world where expression is unbound from rules and regulations, where the fetters of social graces can fall away into the digiverse. this is my own liminal space now.  

some pictures. 

the stars are out of alignment

 oof, has it really been almost two weeks since I last posted anything? I guess I have been busy. time drags on forever and still it passes in the blink of an eye...

does anyone else feel like the stars have been out of whack lately? something in the sky pulling everything in crazy directions and tugging at the heartstrings like one giant Apollonian lyre. I know it's mercury retrograde among other things, but this is so grandiose....

(for the record, mercury retrograde does have a big impact on the way we experience our lives. ^.^' technology malfunctioning, miscommunications, losing of items, losing oneself...) 

I can speak to that, personally, having lost at least 3 things I cared not to lose during the Rx. Some of them have thankfully just been misplaced at friends' houses or the like, but losing things is hard for me,? I fixate on them (ADHD) and sometimes have disproportionate reactions to the loss. Insomnia and weeping type reactions,? Especially frustrating because 95% of the year this is an issue I've quashed. I may have atypical management methods, sure, but I'm usually very good at keeping things under control in my own way. This kind of losing jewelry and jackets makes me feel like I'm 8 years old coming home from the school playground again, and my dad's getting mad at me because I left my new coat...

Anyways, just bringing that up because I'm sure at least some of you can relate. I don't hear many people talk about it, but I know I must be far from the only one who feels that. YOU ARE NOT ALONEZ!

lol

Also have been rethinking how I post on here. How I post everywhere, really. The "performance" part of my projected online persona has lost all of the "performance" and feels much more performative now, so I'm shaking it all up. Trying to. I want to talk about books I've read, about the things I'm thinking about philosophically and spiritually, musically, whatever really, in an open-hearted and non-pretentious way, with people other than myself. But I can't have that dialogue if I never engage with it. 

things im reading

for anyone's pleasure and for my own documentation

1. A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers 
1. For the record I love Dave Eggers. He's a brilliant author and word-magician. A guy who's really not afraid to push the liquid limits of where the written word can go, what methodologies can be used to craft the world we (the readers) are taken to. He jumps from subject matter to subject matter with ease and grace. Really a philosopher in author form. This book is no different, but it is his own autobiography. Highly recommend
2. The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger
1. OK there's not much to say about this book that hasn't already been said before, I'm sure everyone has their comedic opinions on it,? But honestly rereading it with more self-understanding and less angst than I had when I first read it (sophomore year of high school maybe? I remember having a friend who was sooooo into the book that they bought a hunting hat just like Holden Caulfield's and wore it backwards like him too). Anyways really like the book more now. He's not so much annoying as he is misguided, I think. IDK for sure. I'm not finished with the book yet heh
3. The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway
1. I decided to reread this after ranting for an hour to a lover about how hilarious Hemingway is with his strongman puffedchest obvious COPING via this book.... and everything he did...!!! he's the human equivalent of a pick up truck with ridiculously giant rims for no reason. of an old man with Oakleys and a red Ford Mustang. Anyways this book is still beautiful (rereading it ofc) and I do personally believe it to be autobiographical

yes I am reading all of these at once and yes it is because I am a bit of a spazz

alright that's about what I had to think about for the day! I'm waiting for a phone call from this guy I found on Craigslist who needed actors for some promo shoot for his friend's company...? I think it's an app maybe. Whatever either way would be cool to make some money and be back in front of a camera again because acting is fun! HMU for your acting needs please

goodbye!

Sasha xoxo