winter is coming [millennial type beat]

soundtrack of the day: over and over // bowery electric

 it's the time of year where, as i write this, it is 4:39 pm, and the sun is already decidely low upon the horizon. by 5:15 it will be dark outside, and i will have only been awake for 3 and a half hours. adjustments have been made, outside excursions have become more of a daily routine, but still today i woke up feeling wholly depressed. nothing in particular, i don't think. too much cozy sleep until it becomes debilitating grogginess. the sisyphean struggle of keeping atop of the old , trying the new, making itme for friends, making time for myself. one thing i never thought would happen to me: i'm now the flaky friend. another thing : i like being the flaky friend. flakiness, i've learned (time and time again, not only this once, so maybe i should say am still learning) is crucial to creation, to artistry, to learning and development of self. 

i love my friends, and i love the things my friends share with me and hope that i will enjoy, but if i don't give myself the time, how will i ever be able to read the books they recommend, listen to the albums, watch the movies/shows, let alone find things of my own to share in return?

honestly i've said enough on this. im boring myself just writing it out, ive thought over it so many times. and im sure i've written abt it before too. 

the main point of this post is to record (for myself more than you, honestly) the things i am in the process of finishing so that this winter i can really bite this adhd neverfinishing thing in the jugular. 

1. mad men made it all the way to the final season with lane (roommate), but we never finished it
2. cowboy bebop literally just haven't seen the last episode
3. NGE
• End of Evangelion
• the reworks or whatever they're called? the three movies after end of
4. Berserk i am further than i have ever been before but have about a third of it left
5. The Moor's Last Sigh salman rushdie book i never finished and may have to start over at this point
6. Naruto im almost done w the original series, actually am active with this rn 
7. Final Fantasy XIV storyline want to finish this by the time the new expansion is released next summer
8. FUGA: Melodies of Cold Steel
9. Final Fantasy IX
10. Crisis Core: Reunion
11. Persona 5 Royal i am very close to end of main story but hAVE at least another 20 hours of play ><
12. SMT IV i dont know what finihsing this game even looks like but i want to go further than i have and if i don't pick it back up soon, i will probably have no idea what im trying to do anymore
13. homestuckreread

that being listed, i wonder if i can list all the things i have done this year

probably not, maybe can list the video games ive played, but not sure it's worth the headache or stress of the number being stressfully low lmao

yeah thi s was definitely for my benefit BUT 

hello

dipping my toes back in

 how many times will i say "i'm back", I wonder?

lately i've been struggling so much with the way i see myself. as a burden, as a letdown, as a failure in most senses of the word. but i continue to push to enjoy my life, to see the grace in random seconds of it. 

last night i discussed with a friend the meaning of reflection, and the ways in which we look back on memories, and how difficult it can be to see the moment so fleeting as it passes before you, or through you, and yet when i look back on times where my heart felt so wrenched i only remember the happiness, the joy, the surreality of it all. at what point did i lose touch with that moment? in my pursuit of contentment, have i lost the phase of euphoria? 

i find great joy in my bedroom these days, and my solitude. i finally give myself time to do all the things i want to do, read and hear and play and see all of the things i want to read and hear and play and see. i don't feel rushed all the time anymore, although I do sometimes feel lonely. 

i'm willing to believe that i try too hard to sort everything out. maybe i don't need to understand everything i feel, or find logic behind every action, and maybe instead i should just let myself do what feels good, and avoid what feels bad. obviously i have to make money, and i don't want to become a cretin, but i can still feel the strings tied around my aorta and tugging, tightening, tension from different directions, begging me to please, to appease, to be anything and everything for the world around me. maybe only by cutting those strings one by one can i release myself from the torment i've placed myself under. if i learn to decipher the good pulls from bad i can begin, finally, to reenter the stream of Me, and to break the hypnotic strain of the public eye. it's like an addiction, fawning over relationships, worrying about every move, considering each decision a friend makes like a soul-twisting chess match. but i've come to understand the projection inherent to that. only by making my own decisions, without the guiding hand of another, can i understand the independence with which those around me make their decisions; only then can i liberate myself from the fear that if i am not the Vague "Enough", i will cease to matter to the ones i love most.

now, in this phase of my life, i hope to regain the confidence with which i once carried myself, but real enlightenment and self understanding too. because even that version of myself wanted so badly to be loved, and performed so much out of rebellion, and fear, and even desperation. that doesn't mean i was fake, because i never think i was. i do believe i spent a lot of time wondering what was safe to show about myself and what i should hide, never letting myself disappear from social circles, clinging too tightly to people i loved in hopes they would love me back. 

musings aside, now for the list of current interests:

1. final fantasy xiv - occupying at least an hour of every day since dani built me my PC, i find myself enjoying finally my first ever MMO, at long last and without regrets. there's still so much i have to learn about it, but it really is so much fun, and in some ways i feel it's reopening doors inside of me
2. berserk - restarted it because i never finished the first go round and now i'm about 2/3 of the way thru. looking forward to finally being able to have a conversation with meaning about this with coin
3. shoegaze
4. reality tv - i had a whole vanderpump rules arc that i believe somehow never made it onto this blog
5. DAW production, specifically Nexus 4 in Ableton
6. persona 5, which i have put too  many hours into, and still haven't finished
7. dyeing my hair for the first time ever
8. washing my face / taking better care of my body
9. cooking - winter is such a good time to take initiative to cook more and practice blah blah idk if i will ever be a master chef but i'm happy to be able to prepare myself some good meals