a/n: this was written some ten months ago and left unfinished. i like what i had to say, though.
january 10, 2022: okay, the last two weeks of my life (starting with the new moon in sag and ending this eve with the waning of the full moon in gemini) have been a series of indescribably intense ups and downs and events one after the other after the other until more or less right now as i sit in bed with my cat and a can of sapporo. the big can, obviously. the one that's shaped like a weird glass? my deli on the corner started stocking asahi and sapporo because my roommates and i always come in and ask about it <3 something so simple but so heartwarming and comforting...
there r many things to say about the course of the last few weeks, but i don't feel like getting into all sorts of details about it right now. epic highs and lows of high school football type situation. i will say that since moving to the city my life has been a nonstop carousel of friends and events and circumstances, each one more shocking than the last.
february 5, 2022: never finished writing once i started that draft (recurring theme i see!). more highs and lows but much more internal than external. spending money i don't have on a credit card i need to pay off (not run up!) because i still haven't gotten hired in the last month and half. savings almost all the way depleted and i have the audacity to sit around and wonder why i haven't had any crazy ny experiences (not even true but i think i mean exploring new bars and clubs and places. but cannot stress enough how much this isn't even true) -- you know when you're broke and you are still going out and you feel this latent guilt that you really shouldn't be spending any money anyways but you're going to do something so instead of trying anything new (even if it's cheap) you go to the same places over and over again? yea.
february 17, 2022: never finished writing again once i came back and noticed i still had a draft. so now i'm going to say third time's the charm and try to finish this out. i think that in the process of trying to adjust to so much change so quickly over such a brief period of time i was becoming numb to the beauty/excitement of everything i've been experiencing. my day-to-day experience here is something that three years ago you couldn't have convinced me would be in my future. Every week there are at least two shows within two miles of me that I'm dying to see, and a million more i can't go to or don't know about. i play music alongside peers i've followed for years artistically. i have the most beautiful bedroom i've maybe ever had in my life, with two big windows that open to a lively and beautiful street, with big trees and stained glass windows. Every night I get to snuggle with the best cat in the whole world and watch mad men with two of my best friends (now roommates) of six years.
there's a psychological question that goes something like this: do you see in terms of lack or abundance? when you look at your life, do you see all of the things you don't have, or do you see all of the things you can still achieve? and i think about all of the dreams i've had, and how i've come so far and achieved goals and dreams i never ever thought as a child I would. but of course, as you grow and achieve, the goalposts inevitably shift. and that's okay! it keeps us reaching upwards, soaring towards the stars. but icarus' wings melted not because he flew towards the sun, but because of the haste of their construction. because he was ill-prepared to do so. it takes time to be ready to get everything you want, and you have to get it in bits and pieces, or like a little kid on halloween night, you'll eat all the candy way too fast, get a tummy ache, and be left with bitter disillusionment about sugar and sweets.
and get this -- my bff is moving into an apartment two blocks down from mine, the air is starting to get warmer, soon the leaves will unfurl on the trees. i am traveling this summer for music. i am seeing friends old and new from all over the world. i am going to a state i have never visited and sharing my birthday in a friendship reunion in a beautiful alienesque landscape. i am on the track to get a career job, one with a salary and benefits and stability. how could i have dug myself into such a hole where i only saw the lack?
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