oops it's been three months :x

i didn't mean 2 be gone so long i've just been experiencing a lot ig

i'm not sure as i begin to write this exactly what it is i'd like to write about. i've found myself shifting in the past year towards a version of myself that feels honest but different. sometimes it feels like there's no plan at all in my mind, and each isolate decision i make has created a sweeping current to carry me to a yet unknown destination. i'm not sure if that's how i've always operated. i think that the best way i can explain how i've operated in the past versus now:

past: elevated concept of future, lofty and naive goals, decisions day by day aimed deliberately at ends that would ultimately (with maturity) prove unachievable for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was an unwillingness and/or inability to understand self and a desire to view the world as fantastical rather than with pragmatism;

present: future goals are much more humble, less rigid in their steps to accomplishment, and in a way more abstract. i operate less on a rabid path to linear success and instead work to understand myself, and the way the world works/will work in the future. decisions i make day to day factor less into a long term achievement timeline and instead focus on fulfilling spiritual/internal goals. any "career" oriented goal only answers the need to create stability for my future self. artistic goals are internal. 

the reasons

for these changes aren't all clear... i know it happens when u get older. i've been thinking about that now that i've been getting older for a full 24 years (crazy how that happens) and the ways in which i thought i was so mature and wise at various checkpoints in my life. at 18 i thought i knew everything about myself; at 21 i knew enough to know that i hadn't known everything about myself at 18 but i thought i was good forreal that time; now at 24 i think i know enough to know that i've hardly known anything about myself for a lot of my life. has anyone reading this felt this? i'm fairly sure i'm not the only one, but sometimes (especially in this city) i feel like everyone knows so much about themselves and has such a strong Self. it can feel like i'm the only one who doesn't know exactly what they like and who they want to be. but, to clarify,

i suppose i mean that coming out of college i hadn't been outside of a rigid academic structure since i was three years old. and i experienced a lot of pressure to succeed, always above and beyond in every aspect of school, work, extracurriculars, that i spent a lot of energy trying to make everyone happy/to succeed, and maybe spent less than i should have actually understanding where to go with myself. the feeling i remember most after graduating college is the day i realized that for the rest of my life, all i have to do is make enough money to pay rent and not die, and everything else is completely up to me. there's no actual rules, and nothing bad happens if i don't climb the ladder of success like mount everest, because once you leave the structure of school no one cares! 

it's a simple realization, in hindsight, but for me it felt somewhat earth-shattering. and don't get me wrong, it's not that i didn't have a slew of niche and hyper-fixated interests from a very young age. it was more the realization that there wasn't some kind of timebomb attached to everything. that the whole algorithm of success is more of a myth than a path to be followed. 

the next thing that happened was the most recent, and i'm still riding the personal changes that have come with it -- coming out was a huge shift, but not in the ways i might have expected (i didn't expect many changes, honestly, explanation incoming). without going into longwinding backstory, i've known i am gay for a long time. but per the need to fulfill everyone's expectations, etc etc, convincing myself i was bisexual, that i could be happy finding the right guy or something, i really pushed myself into the closet for years and didn't really let myself date women at all (which honestly resulted in my hardly dating anyone ever but that's another story),

but two months ago i was fed up, and i made some offhanded tweet 

thinking not much of it other than how much i never wanted to date a man again

and felt such a weight lift off of my shoulders in every aspect of my life.

it was like an iron blanket being lifted from my body. suddenly i didn't care about so many arbitrary things, so much needless guilt gone, weird parasocial burdens i had been carrying gone. i unfollowed probably 100+ people on instagram who i had felt obligated to keep following, i got rid of the good 20% of my wardrobe that i had been holding onto even though i hadn't worn the clothes in years. in general i found myself less paralyzed by decisions and less need to hide myself behind fantasies of who i wanted to project myself as, who i was supposed to be. 

since then, honestly, it's been sort of complex. in some ways i feel like i'm meeting myself again for the first time in years. i'm seeing so many ways i've restricted myself. but some of the other things have been surprising -- because it's not like now i'm cutting loose, going crazy, etc, but almost the opposite. like i don't need to impress everyone the same way i did before, so i'm realizing i like to be calmer, more quiet sometimes, i like spending a lot of down time with myself and the people i'm close to, i don't like going out all the time or nearly as much as i thought i did. i like to be the caretaker more than i like being taken care of. and that can all be difficult to deal with, because i feel in some ways like i don't know who i am right now, even as i am more honest with myself than i have been in a very long time. i'm learning to figure myself out.

sometimes it's hard. sometimes i wish i didn't have to think about anything at all ever. but ultimately it's rewarding. learning 2 be happy

anyways